Booming To 60

Introduction 

My ilk and I may seem like we know what we are doing, but don’t be fooled. I work in the highly technical field of Information Technology. People probably think we sit around all day explaining the binary number system or Virtual Local Area Networks --- we don’t. I once worked for an integration company where the president of the company felt the need to send out an office memo asking that water guns no longer be used in the Server Room. Not, “no longer used in the office”, just in the Server Room. Water gun fights had broken out in the office about three months prior to the memo. Oh, they started harmlessly enough.  One sales rep brought a water gun to work and started firing anonymous water spurts from his cubicle onto unsuspecting fellow cubicle dwellers. This escalated into full-fledged water gun fights with armature that we could only dream about in our youth. I didn’t even know that water weaponry had entered such devastating heights. I guess you fall behind on the advancement of water weaponry when you don’t have a child to draw knowledge from.  

Act Your Age 

It’s not your fault. You were an absolute vision of loveliness. Then he asked you to bear his babies, the fruit of his loins. Some of those pregnancies lasted 5 years, during this time---at a sacrifice to your beautiful, flawless body--- you were asked to ingest massive quantities of Crispy Crème donuts. The reason for this great sacrifice? To help sustain the health of HIS CHILD! All you were trying to do was supply the child its their daily nutritional input of Bavarian Crème filling. Now how does he repay you? By lying on the beach pretending to be reading the Standard and Poor’s 500 Index as he ogles some sweet 19-year-old. It doesn’t help that this little Barbie is wearing a string bikini too small to actually use as a shoe string. What’s sad is we know, that you know, that we aren’t reading the stock index, but we can’t help ourselves. We are cheap pieces of metal and “Barbie” is a magnet. It’s beyond our control. Just like when “Ross the yard boy” comes to the house to work in the yard. Do you really think we are buying, “Wow it looks like Ross has a new lawn aerator,” then you pretend to stand there admiring the newly discovered equipment. 

Sex and the Sexagenarian 

This leads us to the subject of “safe-sex”. When we were teen-agers, we thought safe sex was allowing the car to come to a complete stop before engaging or making absolutely sure, our parents were out of town for the weekend. After high school, we practiced safe sex by being absolutely sure our girlfriends were back at college. Now at this point in our lives, we practice safe sex by having a handrail around the bed.  

If you are of the feminine persuasion, either you have moved to Antarctica or your house feels like it. For you, “I’m hot!” has taken on a completely new meaning since you were in high school. It no longer means, “I got it going on baby!” It now means “Turn that damn air conditioner up, I don’t care how much ice you have on your butt!” Followed quickly with, “Don’t make me use this gun!” You have experienced “The Change”. Doctors use this term because “The Inferno” was taken. “The change” is a biological stage for women. The stage is caused when the woman’s body stops producing estrogen. Her body stops producing estrogen because she has reached a time in her life when she has grown tired of asking, “How did your underpants get in the microwave?” She knows that she no longer wants a mini van with peanut butter and jelly sandwiches stuffed in between the seats. You see, when she stops producing estrogen, she loses certain female characteristics, like ovulation and patience. Which is good timing. If she lost the patience, but didn’t lose the ovulation, her husband could come home one day and innocently ask, “How was your day” and receive a peanut butter and jelly wedgie. 

I’ll Tell You One Damn Thing…Ugh, I Forgot 

You are at a family reunion deep in conversation with someone and you know you should be able to remember the person’s name. You are standing there trying to listen to her and at the same time search through your “Name Data Base,” and then your brother comes up to ask, “What are you and Mom talking about?”  

Why Do I Want That 

It began the day after my sixtieth birthday. I was reading the Sports section of the newspaper. I turned the page and there it was--- an ad for a brand new Lincoln Town Car. I thought to myself, “Wow what a great looking car and IT’S A SEDAN!” Where did this come from? In one day, I went from fantasizing about Lamborghinis and Aston-Martins to a wanton lust for, “5 passenger leather-appointed seating with 6 way power-driver and front passenger seat with power lumbar.” I suddenly craved power steering so cranked-up you could turn the steering wheel with your pinky. Seats so comfy that you could hit a pothole and think your cloud just dipped a bit.  

Hail, Hail 

But the whole thing was Rock and Roll and our parents hated it from the beginning. Now we had a franchise! We had a new way of walking, a new way of talking. It was our initial entrance as the target audience. We were buying stuff and we suddenly were a force. We just couldn’t let our parents know how powerful we were becoming or they may have grounded us. 

60 Ways to Tell Your 60 

1. You drive a Lincoln Town Car.
2. You know how to bop or shag.
3. Think that golf courses are the only protected lands we should have.
4. You pee and 10 minutes later you are doing the “whiz boogie” again. (male)
5. Fight with grandkids over the last Depends
6. Can’t remember spouse’s name
7. You never open your eyes during sex.
8. Can’t hear the civil defense siren.
9. Still “drop and cover” at sudden noises.
10. Must check into a minor emergency facility after a night of drinking.

Then and Now